list of things to shut the fuck up about:

1) Money. Talking about money is tacky as fuck. Even more tacky is whipping out the money in your wallet and counting it in front of people. I don’t care if you are poor or rich, just shut up about it. I don’t care to hear the exact amount of money you’re getting back on your taxes. Good for you. I don’t care to hear about how you can’t afford a meal at Olive Garden. Sad for you. Money just shouldn’t be discussed at all at any time. 

2) Break ups. I don’t need a detailed description about how your baby daddy cheated on you with a skank ho and you caught them together and now you’re gonna beat her ass and you’re never gonna let that lying ass bastard see his kid ever again. Please just stop. I’m embarrassed for you.

3) Sex. Look, I don’t mind when someone talks about sex. I’m not a prude and this isn’t the 1950s, we’re all banging. But, I don’t need to hear the gory details about what position you were in and how big it is and how long it lasted and the things that were said during. You’re making me uncomfortable and now I’m getting a mental picture and I really don’t want to.

4) The gross shit about your body. Dear lord in heaven shut the hell up. Nothing grosses me out more than someone talking in detail about their infection or bodily functions or their body hair. I am not a doctor and I don’t care to hear about your pus and your shit or your armpit hair. You’re gross and I hate you.

5) Family issues. I’m uncomfortable. You’re making me uncomfortable when you tell me your dad is an alcoholic who used to molest until you were 10 or your husband beats you when you wear revealing clothing or your brother is a meth addict who prostitutes for money. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? There is absolutely nothing I can say that doesn’t make me sound insincere and awkward. Nothing. 

I’m not saying keep everything to yourself. I tell my boyfriend and best friend 99% of things. But, those are people who are close to me. I’m your co-worker, classmate, acquaintance, Facebook friend, client, customer, hairstylist. I’m not your GD best friend and I don’t need to know that much about your personal life, virtual stranger. Oh my god, stop being white trash and zip your fucking lip.